May a phoenix rise from the ashes

Things have been mended between my friends. People who are second only to Anna in terms of how imporant they are to me. As I alluded to, there was (rather severe) strife between them. However, now things have settled and it has worked out. This makes me happier then any words I know can describe. I was so scared that it would break down forever. The thought of people I care for, people who I would sacrifice anything for, becoming enemies is something that chills me to my bones. Admittedly, that was unlikely to happen even if they hadn’t made up as such; but even the mere possibility presenting itself hurts to think about. The idea that someone I care that deeply for looks upon someone else I care that deeply for with a level of scorn deserving of rapists and abusive parents is literally the stuff of my nightmares.

The root cause was the dynamic between them. It had unintentionally lead to an incompatible scenario that without going in to too much detail, is ultimately toxic for them all. I’ve seen it since the beginning and I knew something was wrong, however with my absence from them throughout the later half of November and most of December of last year, I figured there may be more too it that I missed because of it. The central figure in this has a solution to initiate change in the dynamic and it is a good one. However, as someone inherently resistant to forced social change, I am naturally skeptical. That’s just the hermit and individualist in me talking though (2 factors that have always been there to resist changes people tried to force upon me in my past). It should work if they are strong and dedicated enough. I am just afraid that like most “new years resolutions” (and that is kind of what this is), after a week or a month at most, they’ll fall back in to the old routine without even realizing it. Most of the time forced change is simply something one does if one remembers to do so, but as life throws pressures on you from every direction, ones down time becomes what is easiest. Trying to maintain that is like trying to keep a muscle flexed for too long. It ultimately depends on the endurance, but if it is too much of an effort, it will relax (perhaps subconsciously). I am also afraid of any unintentional side effects. Now, side effects need not be a bad thing (finding Anna was a side effect of college), but the bad side effects I am admittedly wary of. In this different venture, unforeseen circumstances may occur.

Despite all that though, I believe this COA to be for the best. How exactly this is implemented is left up to them. While some of their plans do have potential minor indirect detriments to me here and there, it’s a price I willingly pay. It isn’t about me, and if there is anything I can do to help them I would. I would take all their pain and anguish upon myself if I could. I owe them more then they imagine.

When I came to college, I had lifted myself up from a period where I was essentially dead inside. I crushed all emotions to block out further pain. I truly believed that finding connection in my advanced age was impossible. After all, most adults I’ve met already have their friends. I don’t know ANYBODY around my age group who has made in the present those kinds of truly deep connections they have in the past. They have who they have and while they have acquaintances, the doors to new people they truly care about slam shut. That’s just how it seemed to be. Why should I believe it would be any different for me. Really, if it hadn’t been for that chance meeting with Patches on that September afternoon, it probably would have been that way. While I do appreciate that the christian coalition tried to reach out to me prior, they’re on too different a wavelength. It really felt almost unintentionally fake with them. I do consider (most of them) friends on various levels, but something very important that I couldn’t put my finger on was missing.

When I had finally gotten to know these friends (well, 2 of them anyway, the other important ones came a bit later), I could feel something returning. I realized that I had been running away from my ability to feel, and yet my fear of feeling was dying. It was “safe to come out” as it were. This bond, this connection, this is what I was seeking in the first place. No amount of thanks is sufficient for what they have provided me, and I will do anything, pay any price to make sure their lives shine (within reason anyway). For what they did for me, they deserve no less.

Even from a distance, I feel their pain.

Yesterday, things broke down between 2 people I care about who had a very tight bond of friendship. I only know one person’s version of the story (and for the sake of privacy, I wouldn’t duplicate that here anyway), so there are inevitably details I don’t know yet; but I think it was somewhat inevitable. It had been building for quite a while now. With familial obligations and other personal reasons, I hadn’t had a chance to see them that much, so I figured there may be things that have developed in their dynamic that I don’t know about, and therefore I was unqualified to make a “command decision” to say any sort of warning (when doing that without knowing anything would cause a problem that wasn’t already there, which I would permanently blame myself for).

Still, it hurts to even think about. I care deeply for both of them, and I want both of them to be OK. I know one of them will be fine. This person, we’ll call her A-ko, she’s strong and has her own reasons, which aren’t wrong. The other, which I’ll call B-ko I am more conerned with. To put it bluntly, she’s not good at being alone. She has been lucky enough in that literally all of her life, she has had someone that truly understands her at her side (FWIW, it’s not A-ko). Now circumstances that are actually rather central to this whole affair have forced her to be truly alone for the first time. She has 3 demons that perpetually haunt her. Stress, depression, and the scars of the heart. In my experience (as someone who has a very high tolerance for solitude), a friend one can rely on is one way of handling it. This is something she has always had, she’s had that one person that understands her and virtually nobody else. With that gone and her friendship with A-ko cut, for the first time, that option is gone. My other option was immersion in hobbies. However, the things that have provided me with succor when I those thing were haunting me are aren’t things she’s ever gotten in to (video games and animango stuff), and I can’t think of a way to introduce her to them either (it probably wouldn’t work for her). Her hobbies aren’t anything she’s equipped with doing. She doesn’t even have the net to lose herself in. Every tool I use won’t work for her, and the others she either doesn’t have the stuff on hand to do, is unhealthy, or is probably better off not doing anyway (for a number of reasons).

I want to help her out, I want to be there for her, but I can’t right now. Nothing I can do at the moment, at this point all I can do is simply wait. I just have to wait until I have a chance to contact her and she will let me help her. I want to help her help herself, but I need to wait until the time is right. With school starting soon, I am hoping I can get a chance while I still have free time, but anytime is good so long as I can help her out.

UPDATE: I have contacted B-ko. It seems she is more hurt then I percieved. I have several underlying theories as to exactly how she percieves this. Really, I think the pain of mental twisting is hitting her. Paranoid delusions about being left out or covertly despised mull through her head, as they do through mine. An event that just happened to pull through justified them all. It all makes sense to her because that was the puzzle piece needed for it to all come together. Really, her own reasoning skills (which are pretty strong) are working against her. It makes sense in her mind because her mind came up with it, and it all seems to fall into place. There were problems and a toxic dynamic that was going on, but her perception is the distorted truth of someone who is hurt. Things will never return to how they were for her, and maybe they shouldn’t. However, I hope pain won’t distort the truth for her.