An old stereotype, where it lead us, and why it’s false.

I was kicking back after getting my discrete final done (I’m pretty sure I did well, but probably not as well as I would have liked) and I was doing some net diving (it’s relaxing and I can talk to the beautiful and awesome Anna simultaneously, so it is tied with gaming as the ideal post test activity I can do at home while physically alone). In some…deliberately different searches (I don’t even remember what they were anymore) I pulled up this incredibly stupid thing. It would offend me on a number of levels, but it had reached that level of stupid saturation where it stops being annoying and offensive and starts being its own satire. Parsing it a bit, it seems like an over-educated person who is bound by old and unnecessary stereotypes.

Among others, the one I noticed most (or rather, the one that was most easily found by me) was the whole “women are asexual and don’t want sex that badly, they only use their ability to give it to further their agenda.” This was a stereotype that was very prevalent in high school. I suspect the majority of the menfolk and a good deal of the ladyfolk believed it. Furthermore, the girls who DID know better stayed complicit in their silence, so as not to give up the social advantage they are afforded. At one time, I believed this too (anyone who knows me now knows that is FAR from what I actually believe to this day, which is really what this is all about).

I didn’t have any reason NOT to believe this at the time. Being a creature with a Y chromosome (albiet, one who was utterly disgusted with gender based culture even then), I had no idea what sex was like from the female perspective. Furthermore, at the time, I had NEVER heard any girl openly say anything about liking it (while I knew plenty of menfolk who did, although I suspect it was overemphasized). Since experiencing the wild thing from the female side of things was literally impossible for me to do (potential elective surgery aside), there was no way I could learn or understand by experience. I asked several of my galpals (tried to focus on those who were sexually active), and only one or two of them (both of whom were sexually HYPERactive) had a favorable opinion on it. I’m not sure if it was social pressure to downplay lest one be considered a “slut”, but I know them well enough to know that at least at the time, they believed their words.

I took my search to the land of the interwebs (IRC rooms I knew and AOL chatrooms [the latter I disliked, but they had a more...typical crowd to gather data from, which is what I sought]). Of the 100 or so womenfolk surveyed (counting the people I asked in person), only 20 tops liked sex in any way. The majority of the answers were that it was “boring”, “painful”, and similar echoes, along with senses of relationship (or marital, in a few cases) obligation. One answer that really echoed the sentiment was “if I put up with doing it with him, he buys me stuff” (I…was not pleased at this idea). Another that amused me a bit was “why did god make us attracted to men if all they want to do hurts.” I know some of the OL folks were around my general age, I don’t think there as anybody over 30 (not sure how young the youngest is). Also, I have no knowledge of what most of their sexual orientations was (the few I did confirm were ladies saying they like ladies, possibly a byproduct of it feeling they have to clarify that they aren’t heterosexual). Most of the answers apart from the ones who confirmed they were gay had a (rather strongly) implied heterosexual tone (“…his dick in me…” etc).

Let’s review the data gathered.
-The general sentiment among the locals (my highschool classmates) was that girls generally dislike sex
-Sex stretches the female body in a way it (probably) hadn’t experienced virginally, plus there were echoes of pain from the crowd (to this day I am not sure if that was consistent or first time traumas)
-There is a much higher risk going in to things for females then males (as in, the getting pregnant kind of risk)
-Only 20% of ladies surveyed, including all but 2 people around my relative age (I was 16) actually liked sex.
-Among the majority who didn’t like sex, it was primarily viewed as either an exchange/payment, or an obligation (possibly both). Thus confirming the general stereotype

With only that data to go on, is it any wonder I believed that more often then not, women were somewhat asexual? I mean, I knew heterosexual attraction was present (mostly for Leonardo DiCaprio), but it didn’t seem like many females were really letting it effect them as strongly (and in a minute you’ll see the “damn was I wrong about that” part). I just figured attraction to men from women was driven by something other than sexual desire (I knew it was there, I just didn’t know what its basis was, less physical).

While I was somewhat right about the last part (proven by the fact that girlporn is mostly based on emotional stimulation), I was wrong in that I assumed sexual desire wasn’t present. After I met my net galpals a bit later, they pretty much destroyed the notion that girls aren’t physically attracted to males in a sexual sense (and thus, don’t desires sex) like a brick through a glass window. Shoujou (and by psuedo-extension, bishounen) was their bread and butter, and they were unashamed (and very forward) in saying how hot some male or another is. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard “…and my GOD is he hot” about a game character. I remember saying “I doubt you would react as favorably if me and my male pals said something about lady game characters” and I was simply told “we hear it a lot, and as long as they aren’t stupid about it, we don’t care.” These are the same people who had watched pr0nz with men (and bought it for them, in the case of their younger brothers/guypals), both for a female opinion on the subject, and because it was both fun and fascinating.

Where I’m going with this apart from an aside down memory lane is I am wondering if this stereotype was just “the one of my time” and it is gone now, or if it is solely in high school (and a little beyond, kind of a baggage you initially take with you when you leave). Most of my friends now, whom are considerably younger than I (the oldest one is 3 years younger than I am) don’t seem to have that mentality and I don’t think they ever did. Since the sample space there is nearly all women though (in fact, 5/6ths of them are female), it may show skewed data. However, since one of those SAME ladypals I met on the shadows of the net believed this a year before I met them (or so an old chatlog a mutual friend of ours showed me had implied) believed this too in her first year of college, it still stands to reason that it was the order of the day back then.

On the other hand, there was a line in Glee (a show I am amused by yet indifferent toward, Anna loves it though) where one of the girls revealed “the secret” that girls want sex as much as guys. While you can’t gather THAT much from a show based on high school, the media and pop culture is a mirror for the societal mindset of the time (not the most reliable one, but it does work in a general sense). If this “reflection” is accurate, it means that stereotype is alive and well in that era. While there has been evidence of social change in terms of gender and sexual orientation equality (which I would think would diminish this kind of stereotype), it may still be present all the same.

It may just be the difference of the environment of college versus high school. In school, you pretty much grow up with and knowing people in your general “grade.” Even if you transfer/move, the isolated and contained environment is enough so that it doesn’t take that long to get a general sense of who people are after a few months. College is considerably different. Things like friendship ages “cloud off.” While UNO is somewhat unique (as it lacks “college culture”, which is probably why I have heard more then a few complaints on how lonely things are here and how “quiet” this place generally is), college in a general sense is a time and place of transition. It is clouded off and dispersed, while people in certain programs get to know each other due to taking the same classes, usually at a similar pace (some departments/degrees more then others), I’ve gone through entire classes never getting to know a single person, but I’m an introvert who has no interest in strangers. My point is that it is not a self-contained, sectioned off and enclosed environment. It is a place of freedom and growth (which is as it should be). IMO, that (and the movie Animal House) is where the whole “sexual liberation in college” stereotype comes into play (I know a number of people whose first time was in college).

Anyway, what I am trying to get at but digressing thoroughly from is that I don’t know if this idea is still present in high school. Anna’s little sister (whom is a somewhat typical girl) seems mortified that her brother masturbates (which also implies that she doesn’t), which seems “typical” and supports the “glee theory” (ok ok, I just wanted to call it that XD). Furthermore, the people I know are hardly a typical slice of society (one of the reasons I like them so much, they are smart and individualistic, which are qualities I value both in myself and in other people). However, among the acquaintances I’ve run across, I haven’t seen that much sentiment of the old stereotype (except in the case of the christian coalition, but they are…different in a number of ways). However, this may just mean that they didn’t take it with them (I’ve heard several tales on how different people were back in high school).

I dunno, this kind of stuff fascinates me I guess, now it’s time to mind-grind to prep for my final…erm…final of the semester (my bio final)
-Demios

I had to stiffen my resolve concerning “her.”

(BTW, the title isn’t that indicative of the entry, it is just a quote from Xenogears)

There are so many things I wanted to write about, but time has been consumed by 2 things. First there is the fact that I had 3 tests last week, as well as a speech I gotta prep for. Secondly, there is my time with my friends (including A2). Let’s get started ‘ere.

1. Coming out day, and my impressions of it.

Coming out day seemed to be a somber and powerful occasion for those who had done so. I am (strictly) heterosexual, so this is a thing I’ll never know from the first person perspective. However, from a sociological viewpoint, I can see the generational diffusion of values and how certain people interpret this kind of thing. I can tell it takes an incredible amount of bravery to admit who you are to some of the people they have as parents.

Normally, I have a hangup about these events concentrating on people clinging TOO MUCH of their identity to their sexual orientation. “Tell everyone you are [whatever], make that the mainstay of who you are!” If that isn’t who you really are, then that is just as “damaging” IMO. However, in this case it really was about being who they were. “Come out to yourself” and “just be you” were 2 noteworthy quotes I heard that impressed me.

While my opinion that GSO falls flat on its face as an activist organization remains unchanged, I now see it does have a use, just not one as an activist organization. It is a shelter for social support and succor. It isn’t a staging ground for political “warfare” (as some would treat it or see it as), it is a “field hospital.” To this day, I STILL don’t think that as an activist organization, it will have an effect on the mindset of the world, but it provided a shelter when the others in judgmental red Nebraska coming to UNO had nowhere to turn. That is actually one of the reasons I absolutely refuse to join despite the fact that I believe that sexual orientation equality is a cause worth fighting for (quite fiercely, actually). If it only serves as a place of social succor for those who understand the pains of such, then I have NO RIGHT to enter that kind of place. It would disrupt and ruin the cohesion of that kind of place. I will help forward gender and sexual orientation equality in any way I can (within reason, I’m not gonna suicide-martyr myself), but it would be grossly disrespectful of me to say “I know your pain, your confusion in trying to accept this part of yourself when the world starting with your family and [some of] your friends hates it and by extension you for it” when it is a pain I will never ever truly experience. There are several people I care very deeply about who have to deal with this, and I do want to support them in these endeavors, but I will not ever claim I experientially empathize when that will never be the case. If I were at that organization, whose purpose “in practice” is a shelter for those who have experienced such scorn, then I would be implying just that by being there. I am willing to offer my services as an “outside contributor” (as that is exactly what I would be), but not a member within.

2. I MISSED THE KMFDM SHOW, GRRR! (this will be quick)

I found out that last Thursday (the day I had 2 freaking tests), KMFDM came to town. They are one of my favorite industrial bands of them all. I rocked the 90’s out listening to them. Even the opening band (Angelspit) was awesome. If I would have known in advance, I would have called Jane and said “do you have a sick day coming up, because KMFDM is going to be here on October 8th, and I think you might get a case of H1N1 that day and just happen to miss work, if you get my meaning.” I woulda got tickets for the J’s and Kit (while I would prefer they chip in too to be perfectly frank, going with them would justify the wound to my already poor wallet), and we would have had an awesome and fun Thursday evening, the perfect way to bleed out the stress after 2 tests too, probably skipping speech class in the process (most of the class did anyway with Nebraska Vs Missouri kickoff starting at 8PM). That’s the second awesome show that came to town I missed (a year ago the faint came to town). Oh well, that’s the way this kinda stuff rolls sometimes. With A2’s philosophy class being cancelled (and thus, spending the afternoon prior to my speech class with her), the day was well salvaged. Next time an awesome show like that comes to town though, I swear me and mine will be there until we are rocked out so hard we can’t move for a week from awesome overload.

3. Personal developments

I’ll not go into the lurid physical details, but my time with A2 has been all kinds of awesome for me. Even if things weren’t physical I would still deeply value my time with her (I would probably just do my secondary objective and corrupt her via the music/games/movies/etc she was denied in her home life). I’m not sure if it is the pheromone intake and oxytocin talking, but she is very important to me. However, whenever I see people who do have the kind of emotional bond I crave at the deepest part of me, I feel so hollow, because I know I don’t have it. In many many other ways, she is so perfect for me it’s literally like a dream come true, but it still lacks that one key puzzle piece. It takes time, and I’ve only known her for a month, and things only escalated to this level a week and a half ago. However, I need to consider the possibility of “what if it never happens, what if I never develop these feelings.” Furthermore, I need to be cognizant on how she feels. What if SHE never develops these feelings (worse, what if she doesn’t and I do). These are very real possibilities that I need to be ready for.

I did find some indirect closure with A1 when I told her about this. Her reaction was pleasantly amusing (which is actually a pretty good way to describe every interaction between me and her). She said “awesome, you deserve to get laid, it’s about damn time.” She still never knew how I had a crush on her (and I still might, even though the “closure” helped me out more than I thought). It’s just as well though, of all my friends, I’ve never connected so easily and so thoroughly with anyone in my life (even over the others who were there, and that says something VERY VERY powerful, since I would give my right arm for each and every one of them, and value them all very deeply). And I am STILL utterly confused about why she doesn’t have guys lined up at her damn door. She did make the point in that she “isn’t an easy lay.” While a sadly valid reason, I’ve seen that it isn’t enough (I know plenty of cases where girls were an “impossible lay”, but the menfolk in their own shortsighted idiocy just thought of it as a challenge and a game and just still bought them free stuff, it’s idiots with Y chromosomes drooling over Quinn from Daria syndrome). Of course, I postulate that that is because she is still virginal. Barring a traumatic first time (which scars perceptions of the act for life, see also my friend Jessica), once she truly discovers what that kind of interaction can do for her and how it can make her feel, she’ll…still not be an easy lay, but it will definitely not be the foregone conclusion it is now. I hope she finds someone who can provide that kind of thing for her, I really do.

I’ll end this in an old classic fashion
“Now’z zhe time on sprockets when ve dance!”

I have a decree

The latest awesome word in the Demios Dictionary is trancegasam. That is all (there is a cool personal story behind that, but I’m not gonna go into it here XD).

Why yes, I am unusually giddy right now.