A personal follow up to the previous

Yesterday, since radfem really got my ire up, I wrote a post describing how they are basically a religion. I stand behind everything I said too. While I found their recent equating of psychological analysis of societal fears of lesbian attraction to transwomen to rape to be extremely problematic (hence my ire being bubbled up), I try to focus my fight elsewhere when they don’t come in to my crosshairs. However, I think it is very important for me to understand how they think.

First off, since these issues are complicated, it is best to hear all sides of the argument. Because of a “language barrier” with different operational definitions of what it means to be a woman, it’s difficult to see it from their perspective without trying to get inside their head. My seeking to understand them was to -truly- see the other side from the same context they give it (at least as much as is possible for me). I can safely say on several counts “you’re still wrong”, but I don’t like to do that if I can’t do it “accurately.”

Also, for many reasons, while I don’t want to make them my primary enemy, I know that for several reasons we will inevitably be in conflict when various issues heat up. While the transphobia issue is fading from all but the most extreme radfem portals (twisty faster has denounced it back in 2009, which lead to a big rift in her cult of personality audience). I also see the idea of men and women as collective classes to be extraordinarily fatalistic to say the least. The narrative of “it doesn’t matter why men seek to enslave us with PIV sex, or even if they realize they are doing it; all that matters is that they do” is a somewhat simplistic view of an extremely complicated situation. Furthermore, it places genders into an almost “moral dichotomy,” but I’m repeating my last post at this point. I am an extreme individualist, and mentally I don’t feel like a man or a woman (some days I feel like more of one then the other, but neither denote my identity). Both of these things make me the enemy. Prioritization of individualist experience to the sexes as a group is the narrative of postmodernism that destroyed “real” feminism in their eyes. My gender fluidity is irrelevant to them as being born male, I have ALL the privlege (not just some) whether I like it or not. As a MAAB, I am literally incapable of being part of the solution since the only way one can truly do so is to grok the female experience.

This leads me into my most personal reason they and I are at odds. I do believe their points aren’t without merit. While my own points still stand, and we will never agree, their points aren’t entirely invalid. What scares me is if I had encountered this 10 years ago, when I was in a more formative phase, it would have devastated me. While I didn’t always call it feminism because of a misunderstanding of what it means (future post?), a lot of the ideas were rather easy for me to absorb whether I knew it was ‘feminism’ or not. Things like the lie of gender roles, sociological constructs, the deceptive narrative of society and the status quo; these were things I have been after since my teen years (and probably longer then that on a subconscious level). If I had seen things like how men are truly beyond redemption, PIV sex is solely a means to enslave women, etc. I would have been heartbroken. Desperately asking “what I can I do, I want to change this, I want to help.” However, further reading would only lead me to find that no matter what the cause, men are beyond redemption. The requisite for being part of the solution is to truly grok the female experience, and despite my inherent disconnect with “feeling like a man”, this would be impossible for me in their definition. The whole “inherently destructive” narrative would have stung because I have strong emotions and had a predilection toward violence when I was younger (I have made great gains in controlling that, but I can’t deny it’s a part of me). Honestly, I probably would have killed myself out of duty. So basically, my reason for opposition is that I know somewhere out there is a young man who thinks just like me who found radfem first and may have killed himself because of it. It’s admittedly over-dramatic, but I can’t deny the possibility, since I KNOW that would have been me if I discovered it 10 years ago.

Nowadays while I agree with the concept of privilege in principal (even though I think it is greatly distorted among different “camps”), I think the idea that the existence of people in privileged positions being inherently oppressive is complete and utter crap. People oppress by what they do, not what they are (a key disagreement I have with radfem it seems).

Regardless of all this, I’m not out to get them. While I can’t deny that we are natural enemies, I’m not on the attack (although I do feel justified in giving them a “counter-punch” to their reaction of the cotton ceiling talks). I want to change society as a whole, I want to make it so that LGBT people can be fully accepted as they are. I want to destroy the idea of pre-defined gender roles and sex-class appointments. People should be seen as people, no more, no less. US society has been rapidly backsliding on issues like sexism in the last 2 years. These are the points of attack I wish to engage on, and in this case, radfem are my allies (the enemy of my enemy and all that). I just think it’s important to know all the sides of the issue. This includes how the other sides think, even when I don’t agree with them. It’s the only way to objectively see my beliefs versus the scrutiny of those who disagree. Plus, if this does de-evolve to warfare, I can attack at areas that they aren’t trained to defend, since the language barrier usually barricades that sort of thing.

Finally, because I don’t feel I have particularly strongly made my point as to why I believe I am right despite knowing how they think, I’ll give some counter examples to their mentality as I have come to understand it.

1. No woman truly wants PIV sex.
-FALSE: I won’t give names or identities, but lets just say that several of my galpals absolutely love it. Like I said last time, some of my galpals have a penchant for being blunt and oversharing, and have explained to me in great detail how they love “his cock in me” (it was an amusing conversation, and most of my other friends were in the other room because the “TMI” was too much for them to deal with, which gave me a wicked schadenfreude).

2. Porn is exclusively for men and the exploitation of women.
-FALSE: The porn INDUSTRY is jaw-droppingly problematic, but that’s not the same as erotica in and of itself. That’s like saying because there are problems in the agriculture industry (and there are), food is problematic. I believed this on a passive level for a while. However, that illusion shattered to bits when I came face to face with slash fanfic. It is primarily female dominated, to the point where in some circles, being male and knowing about it/reading it is equated to a stereotypical teenage boy peeking in the girls locker room (one of those “female spaces” radfem goes on about). This is sexuality raw and unfiltered through a female gaze. While things obviously vary with individual tastes (and there is quite a bit of it from women just discovering their sexuality), sex is a very real recurring theme. Acts of dominance and submission (“seme” and “uke”) are as standard here as they are in any other heteronormative idea. One of the common themes is the idea that these 2 men, stoic and reserved, when with their erotic partners have that armor pierced. That raw, powerful emotional bond that emanates from them. While I don’t find that particularly erotic, it is a pretty neat concept. Also, and this will pop radfem’s mind, just like one of the most problematic parts of the mainstream porn industry, a disturbing number of slashfic involves rape, and isn’t objected to at all.

I don’t have anything against fandom subculture at all (although there are some parts of it that bring up my ire a bit). I am just pointing out that “porn is solely by and for men dominating women” is patently disproven here.

I’m sure there are many others, but those are the most definitive 2 I can think of.

I promise next time I’ll post about something else.

ETA: When I said I thought radfem was a religion, I knew I was on to something, but I think I made a larger connection then I realized.

I read an interview with Mary Daly (the King David of radfem, the woman after the goddess’s own heart) in enlightenment magazine. What I saw there confirmed what I have been saying more then I thought possible. I knew she was a central figure in feminist theology, but her responses, her views…what I read there was not the works of an academic philosopher seeking to challenge the system. Those were works of a religious founder (although it could be argued that Dworkin “came first”, but I don’t know if she took the religious approach). Deliberately detaching herself from “the world” in all its trappings, she seeks to become her ideal. A combination of naturalism and the belief that women are inherently holy. I don’t know her views on men because she works so hard to detach herself from sin menfolk, but they aren’t good to say the least. I knew I was on to something, but to think it would be confirmed this thoroughly. Oh well, I’ll cut this off here. An interesting interview, and confirms what I said last post more then I had dreamed.

Whats in a label, and who gets to decide what it means?

GF and I had an awesome conversation yeseterday about all those cool topics like gender identity that interest me so. One thing that came to mind. Who decides who gets what labels, and what are the true qualifications for then? Also, is there a difference between “in theory” and “in practice?”

The seeds for this thought-train were planted a while back, there was a rather heated arguments in the comments of one of the articles on manboobz (I forgot which one) about what the operational definition of “queer” really was, and who has the right to dictate it. While the more…territorial arguments were a stark minority (in fact, none of the LGBT people I know had placed nearly that much importance on such a label), it showed me clear as day that to at least some within said groups, the label means a lot more then one would think it does.

Before I go on I should point something out. Over the last 2 years I’ve been trying to answer some questions I’ve had about myself now that there is finally a good direction for me to look to. After a lot of introspection I’ve come to the conclusion that I am probably agendered. However, the particularly way it has manifested has left me somewhat blessed. I’ve never felt like a man or a woman. In fact, either of those experiences are utterly enigmatic to me. I feel like if it were possible, I could slip into a female body and live my life after an adjustment period. In fact, I have dreams where I am a woman. I also feel completely fine in the (male) body I have. I have no attachment or telling of what gender I “really” am, but I have no sense of dysphoria telling me what I’m not either (beyond small bouts in my teen years). Maybe that’s the reason it’s so hard for me to believe gender to be innate, because I am in a position where anything “innate” about it beyond which sex organs I am initially assigned and how puberty manifests is ultimately alien to me.

With that said though, because of the fact that I am blessed with no dysphoria and “identity flexibility”, do I have the right to call myself trans? What does that really mean. Etymologically, trans is simply the opposite of cis. In a more granular, sliding scale system, it could be interpreted as the absence of the default. However, is that really enough to dictate that I should be such? Do I even have the right to do that? Apart from certain minor bits and quibbles growing up (particularly in my teen years), I can’t claim anything resembling the oppression “real” trans folk face. Would claiming I am “one of them” imply that I share their suffering, the pain of knowing that I am in the incorrect body configuration? Would claiming I am trans imply that I understand and have experienced things I haven’t? If under my immense privilege I make such a claim, I may as well be slapping all the people who have “truly” experienced what it is to be transgender in their faces. It would belittle and marginalize their experience to even remotely equate it with my own.

Upon contemplating this conundrum, it lead me to wonder. Is there a difference between implicit and explicit definitions for such groups and labels? Going by the example earlier, the technical definition of trans as I understand it is just “that which is not in default configuration.” Using that definition, that prefix could be applied to most of my life (and I like it that way). However, having been to LGBT support groups (these particular groups allow allies, and I knew at least one person in them well whom would vouch for me if there were any problems), I find that things in practice are a bit different then “in theory.”

I think the reasons for the differences between theory and practice are twofold. The first would be assumption of a shared experience. When I read that debate over what it meant to be “queer”, the person most adamantly protesting that asexuals can’t be considered such said that the oppression they face is too different. To claim the label doesn’t simply mean “alternative sexuality,” it presumes a shared history of oppression. His was a minority opinion, but it made a clear statement to me. To some people, the implicit meaning and history of these labels are important. To some, it denotes a shared experience. Even those who don’t feel that strongly about labels might feel that way on a subconscious level, particularly if their experience in finding this identity was through the sense of community such similar experiences provided for them.

The other reason for the differences between theory and practice is what I call “over-expression for the sake of validation.” In many communities, particularly ones where people who were lost and alone are finding their identity in, many people try to become what the community implicitly (or in some cases, such as radfem or evangelical Christianity, explicitly) believes they should be. Not just for themselves either, but out of a sense of duty to everyone else who has helped them, and to those who might come later as an example of how to claim and own your identity (which is ironic, since IMO, it claimed and owned THEM).

A good example of this in action would be an incident I was involved in a few years back. This girl, let’s call her “Crystal Wings” (obviously not her real name), is an out and proud lesbian and a very vocal feminist. When I met her, I was still in the earlier phases of unlearning my assumptions about what being a feminist means (my initial encounters were with radfem, and I hadn’t seen anything to show me otherwise until a bit before then). She was fun to talk to, and we had several discussions on feminist theory.

At a gathering at a mutual friends house, Crystal got a few drinks in her. After this happened she did what I would have never expected her to do. She hit on me. When I told her my surprise that she would even notice me like that, she told me “just because I am a lesbian doesn’t mean I don’t feel ANY attraction to men.” It was an interesting eye opener to say the least. A few days later we spoke again and she told me that “normally I am very gay” (or something along those lines). Simply put, in her sobriety, she doesn’t feel attraction toward men. I spoke with a mutual friend of mine (whose apartment this incident took place at) who used to date her. She told me that Crystal often projects herself as “THE lesbian, THE feminist, the ultimate example of someone who is on the lookout for women (in more then one sense of the phrase).” She told me that when Crystal gets drunk, things that her projected identity won’t “allow” her to be seep through. I find it ironic that the person who taught me such an important (IMO) lesson doesn’t allow herself to believe it even though she knows deep down it’s true.

After I had come to know this, I started seeing it happen in other people. This incident happened when I was still hanging around my evangelical friends (although they never knew this had happened). When I hear them talking about salvific experiences and being remade and reshaped through the will of god, I realized it is the exact same thing happening here. The only difference was that in the evangelicals, it was by design. People had come to the evangelicals, found a sense of friendship, community (“family” as it were), identity, and guidance in a time that people seem to be searching for such. Coincidentally, this is what the feminist and LGBT student groups provided (or at least tried to provide) their members as well.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m not complaining about that sense of community and, to borrow the evangelical term, “fellowship” these identities provide people. In some cases people like their new identity that they were “given.” In some cases, it IS who they really are. There is a definite upside to this too. However, it does lead to an implicit narrowing of deifnition of what it means to be _____, even though this is exactly the kind of group that knows what it’s like to be excluded for not being “normal.”

Also, on a personal note, I’m not mad at all about the whole quandary about the trans label as it relates to my personal situation. While I can’t in good faith claim to be cis, I honestly don’t care if people see me as trans or not. While it makes me…reluctant to talk about it in fear of accidentally stepping on the toes of people I care about, what label applies to me isn’t something I really care about. It just helped bring about the thoughts I had and provided a clear example of what I am talking about.

That was fun. Two big blocks of text in a weekend. I wanted to write something about Valentines day too but I’ll hold off on that one. At some point I need to return to reality and work on my project again.

Laptop problemitry

As I have mentioned before, one of the things I have had bad luck with on this trip is my laptop I got specifically for it. Since it has had that flash-death 3 times today (it never ever happened more then once a day before, now it has happened 3 times in a 6 hour period), it’s on the forefront of my mind. Hell, it’s my bit of bloggery, I can write about whatever the hell I want.

I got this laptop on the last weekend before Thanksgiving break. I was in full swing planning for my trip, and I got this on the last weekend before black Friday occurred. I figured the stores were saturated and they were pushing their deals hard. I was going for an ACER because I heard they take Linux well (I was going to make this one a Linux box. A blessing in disguise that didn’t work out, but that will be may possibly be covered by a future entry if I remember, which I’m betting I won’t). However, I couldn’t find any ACER product there. I swore to avoid sony because while they don’t make bad hardware, it is religiously DRM locked (they have hard-coded their motherboards of their latest VAIOs to only accept their brand of battery, even though generic ones cost half as much). Everything else was above 500 bucks (my budget cutoff).

I saw the Toshiba Satellite C655D-S5300. A sale was going on at 349 bucks and the specs looked decent. I bought it and brought it home. I didn’t intend to put it through the motions until the year ended, but tragedy struck. My girlfriend’s keyboard got flashed, and she needed an emergency replacement to finish the semester. This worked out well enough.

However, one major problem has arisen. From time to time, the computer gets all fuzzy and stops working (if you are wearing headphones, it might make a shrieking sound, but not always). This first happened with GF was playing SIMS 3 on it (she is a huge SIMS addict). Prior to that she was just doing homework and net-diving. It only happened when she played SIMS though. No other time. I figured it was a valid pretext to return it, but this was after black Friday had happened. I try to avoid stores if at all possible on and after that dark unofficial holiday of mass consumerism. Plus there was a lot of other stuff I needed to do (I had a LOT to prepare for this trip, and between familial obligations of the holidays and other things, I had very little time to do it).

At first, it happened very rarely, only when she was playing the SIMS. That was the most resource intensive thing she did. Also, she sometimes uses laptops on the floor (a place that really racks up heat, although I don’t think it did enough damage to CAUSE the problem, I am positive it was already there). I don’t think it happened at any other time. During my trip and current stay in Norway, it usually happened once after long periods of continuous use (and not until I reached the hotel).

However, this has been happening with irregular, yet increasing frequency. I don’t know what causes it (heat is just my guess, since toshiba has a very bad track record with this). I’ve read that people returned their laptops to Toshiba. This laptop is still within warranty for another week or so. However, I would have to return it to either best buy or Toshiba. Neither is feasible in Norway (I know of no US store that has an international warranty, certainly best buy doesn’t). Apparently, purchasing within this date frame was a bad thing to do. Even if I did have to send it to Toshiba, there is another problem. I need this computer to work on my project. Several of the files are classified (seriously, I signed an NDR and everything). I can’t afford to not have it, not even for a day. This isn’t like a 360 red-ringing (admittedly, not as extreme a problem either). I can’t just get by not playing my console for a while (I can’t even play my consoles here ANYWAY, but that’s an unrelated problem). This is something I need and need constantly for very important school matters, just like it was to GF for a while.

While I doubt it will happen with the laptop specifically (those problems are here to stay, since I can’t get it fixed within my warranty for the reasons listed above), I am hoping my crappy luck will turn around (it already has in one way, more on that in a future entry if for some reason I get around to it). I’ll survive, I’ll endure. I have to. I just wish these unrelated problems weren’t so frequent and almost badly-written-comedy expected.

How fascinating history is

This entry was pre-recorded just after midnight on Monday, 02/06/2012

Today, after a…series of moods and discussions, I was overcome with this weird feeling. It’s hard to explain, but it is this feeling that I typify with my life 10 years ago. It’s hard to really explain without going into intimate detail of how my life was at that time (enough so that I would feel somewhat uncomfortable publicly saying these things in this age of rampant net paranoia…an ironic and stark contrast resulting from said archive diving), but that’s how I felt. This mood rarely overtakes me, but when it does, I have a deep desire to do things that I associate with my past. My guess as to what triggered it is a werid combination of emotions from the conversations today, a feeling like I “deserved a break” after how productive I was yesterday (hard to explain how that would contribute, but trust me when I say it does), and being on a Shenmue kick while simultaneously playing P2:IS on my PSP.

One of my favorite things to do is go archive diving. I mostly do this on the LJ’s of people I used to know (the ones that aren’t defunct anyway T_T). I deliberately chose people that I have fallen out of communication with, because their net friendship was a sign of the past to me.

I didn’t do nearly as much of this as I would have liked, but I have an early morning group meeting tomorrow. Honestly, I should be sleeping right now. However, I took a 2 hour nap, subconsciously turbo-ed through more caffeine then I meant to, and my room mate is having a mini super bowl party in his room (which is kind of amusing, since he is a native Norwegian). So I figured I’d bleed off the former 2 through writing until I am tired enough to sleep through the latter.

Things I am reminded from through archive diving (I am paraphrasing these, so as not to reveal the identities, even the ones whose blogs are not defunct probably don’t want people to know that they wrote them).

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2002 was a really crappy year to be fresh out of college. There was a recession (due to 9/11) and employment was shit-difficult to find. The more things change, the more they stay the same (it’s not nearly the beast the current recession is though).

All the craziness of the (second) Iraq war. Say what you will about Obama, but anything is better then the previous regime.

Speaking of Obama, during the 2004 election, one of my old friends whom is an Illinois native said something to the effect of “screw Bush or Kerry, I want Obama as president.” I wonder if zie remembers zie wrote that?

I heard an interesting theory about the 3 stages of slash fandom (it is entries like these that make me make sure I stay annonymous, I don’t think those applicable would want their present or future employers to know about this). FWIW, I asked a current friend who is involved with that world (whom will ALSO remain anonymous, thankyouverymuch) and zie said the entry was rather accurate.

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Keep in mind this is circa 2003, a few things have changed since then, and I’ll talk about them later.

Stage 1: We’ll call this stage “OMG, TEH GAY IS SUPAR HOTTT!” Critera: Anything with a lot of PWP fic and potentially gay pairings. Anything that can be slashed, will be slashed. It doesn’t matter what the canon is or anything. The overwhelming appeal for slash conquers all. The metric for what is good is how much slash fic there is, regardless of quality or justification. The screaming girls that attend yaoi panels are among this archetype.

Stage 2: We’ll call this “The slash veteran.” The inital love affair is dead, and cooler heads prevail. Thsy still love the hobby, but that initial “new relationship energy” with their newfound hobby has faded away. They are a lot more selective with their fic and fanart, but still do engage a lot. They don’t feel the need to slash everybody, instead focusing on pairings they like and ones that work for them with their understanding of the characters and canon. They still have a good level of enthusiasm for the craft as a whole though. I am told these are the kinds of people that host yaoi panels.

Stage 3: We’ll call this “Slash burnout.” This is when it begins to wear on the person. They have been in this fandom thing for a very long time. They are tired of getting into fandom without canonical gay folks or the “meant to be slashed” folks. Upon entering a fandom, they see tens of thousands (maybe even 100K strong) of type 1 fans. The desire to see something other than flimsily made pairing based PWP fic or even a little het now and again leads the reaction to a royal shit-ton of slash fic to be met with a pained sigh, rather then the excited squee they had in the type 1 days. “The gay” is still an enjoyable hobby for them, and well written or canonically done output of this is still pleasing, but the idea of putting otherwise het men together with the flimsiest of justification makes this fan just roll their eyes and think “is there such a thing as a female** fan that isn’t stupidly slash-happy anymore?”

* I don’t like the whole begging to be slashed idea. It plays into behavioral normative patterns that reinforce stereotypes. The only reason I don’t protest it outright (anymore) is that there is no real evidence that they don’t have that kind of desire/etc (and sometimes is enough canonical evidence that they -might- to make a case for the pairing).

** I also don’t like the idea that slash has to be something “owned exclusively” by one gender. While homophobia being particularly strong among US male culture would be an obvious deterrent, even so much as mentioning you KNOW about it and are not female (there are agendered and genderqueer people, but if those aren’t female assigned, they will be implicitly grouped as males), then you are treated like someone who has intruded in the girls locker room. I could write a whole separate entry about that, and since I don’t want to derail this on a footnote, I’ll cut this off here.

A couple of things have changed since then.

1. Yaoi panels: They have never been my thing, but for those who can read in between the lines, you will have picked up that I knew (and still know) several people who used to be in to them (and have staffed them). They used to be a discussion about Yaoi proper, where to find some pairings, some dos and donts of fics, and some free doujin the panel owners’ personal collections to those who stayed the whole time. How they are now, as is my understanding, is just a big show of “look at the hot guys” thing. I am told that any males whom are in the vicinity will literally be forced to make out (It might not involve penetrative sex, but forcing people to do acts of intimacy they don’t want to is a subset of rape IMO. If a guy did that to two girls just because they were nearby whatever, they could and should get sued for that kind of crap). In the interest of avoiding a derail, I won’t go into this further.

2. Pr0nz fics and their ubiquitousness: Pr0nz started saturating the net right around the time this was written (they were always there, but the explosion within the fic comms’ began this year or last year). IMO, it didn’t gain “critical mass” for another year though. This was written right around the time LJ was beginning its apex, so it was multiplying rapidly. However, it still hadn’t QUITE reached that point. Nowadays it is so common and such an innate given that gen fic or het fic is hard to find. The hour glass has flipped completely over from where it was prior to the turn of the millennium regarding this. Disclaimer: As I said before, the slash scene is not my world. I just know many people who are well versed in it. A certain hypothetical person who looks, acts, and thinks just like me may have been involved in the pr0n fic scene a few times in the past though…

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Well, there is more to say, but I REALLY need to get to bed (even though I’m still not that tired). However, I’ll end this on an amusing note. Here is the exact text of a meme I found on one of the blogs I archive-dove (this was a Live Journal).

“If there is someone on your friends list you would like to take, strip naked, tie them to a bed post, lick them until they scream, then fuck them until both of you are senseless and unable to fuck anymore, then wait about 5 minutes, and do it all over again, then post this exact sentence in YOUR journal.

I swear on the holiest of everything that I am not making this up.

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(I had an awesome addendum, but then my laptop got heat flashed, stupid crappy Toshiba design. I’ll try to recreate it)

ADDENDUM v2 (02/07/2012): I did some more archive diving (I’ll post that in a separate entry if I have time and can parse interesting and relevant information). However, there is a common theme in the “modern day” entries of it. Apart from people who fell off the face of the digital earth for unrelated reasons, I found that…

-A lot of people who used to write/draw can’t get the motivation to do that anymore: I couldn’t get the motivation to write until I started this Norway thing. It isn’t an inspiration based on the place I am in so much as a desire to communicate the experience to those who will never get the chance.

-A lot of people can’t bring themselves up to indulge in the nerdery that used to and still does make them happy: I know ALL ABOUT this, but I think my case is somewhat different. I think that because I devote all my time to my scholastic or personal endeavors, I don’t have time to go gaming. Back at home, I almost always had homework, studies, people who needed help with both, or people who needed my help with other issues (for example, someone having an emotional breakdown). That takes all of my time. I can’t even go nerdy game babble anymore, but that’s for…different reasons (I might make some big old personal entry about this kind of thing too. Look at me, 2 entry ideas that I am positive I will never use because I’ll be busy, forget about it, and then the idea will be lost).

-Some people have removed themselves from the communities: This is so much me it hurts. Part of it is my extreme net-shyness that I’ve always had (something I’ll not derail the entry by covering here). Part of it is the busyness I mentioned above. I used to love being “net social”, and it is still the way I communicate best and surest. However, my net friends of old have all moved on, and I am not sure my life will allow me the time and luxury of new ones (I am SUPER crappy at making new friends “on purpose”, but that’s my own problem). One person interestingly described it as “being like Ms Havisham(sp?), all holed up with my animu, mangos, and vidiya game.”

-Some people have outright removed themselves from those worlds: They are different people then they were when they were back in the old days. Going on from the great period of personal college transition to being a “real” adult (for lack of a better description). They are no longer in to the hobbies of old (possibly, but they are much more discrete about it). This is usually a combination of being dejected by the crowds (oh how I am this with mangime, the crowds at Sankaku complex pretty much epitomize why I feel this way), or just not interested anymore. It’s not that they might not potentially be in the future, it’s just that life has more immediate and shifted priorities then the days of old did. One person said “my anime nerd and my everything-else nerd lines have crossed some time ago” in referring to zir increasing detachment from the mangime world. Another person said that [EVENT REDACTED] is what zie goes to instead of Anime Conventions nowadays. I was like this with the mangime world until my friends dragged me back in (I’ll never be as intensely in to it as I was back then though).

It’s like life is trying to be as difficult as possible

During this Norway trip thing, the following mistakes trip-ups happened (some my fault, others not)

BEFORE THE TRIP BEGAN
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-By coming early (something I don’t entirely regret), I end up spending 400 more on a plane ticket and about 300 on a hotel room.
-I paid for an invalid residence permit application because I accidentally put a couple of dates in US order (I was really busy with a lot of stuff to prepare for the trip, and had little time to do it all earlier because of school).
-I made a second residence permit application, and this one was PERFECT. However, I checked on seeking someone for verification (I figured it would give me a stronger case after I screwed up the first one). Because of changes in laws, the school didn’t know who is authorized to do this (actually, the police themselves said that there might not BE anyone in the school that qualifies), so it’s another application for me.
-Applying for a residence permit in the country costs more then double the payment fees (2500 NOK (about 450 USD) instead of 1100 (about 180 USD), the 1100 I have already paid and will not get reimbursed in any way).
-My DS charger malfunctions after I leave the country (it was working fine the day before I packed it).
-My computer that I bought specifically for this trip is terrible with Linux (although that may just be the latest Ubuntuu talking), and tends to freeze up from overheating
–I knew about this already, but last November (when I bought it), GF’s laptop’s keyboard got flashed, and she needed this one as an emergency replacement to finish her semester. That took longer then the one month trial period they gave me at Best Buy, and there was too much to do after the school year and holiday season ended to have time to get a replacement (I had about 3.5 days to get done what I hadn’t got done yet).
—-
AFTER I GOT HERE

-Turns out the buses don’t operate on New Years eve. Luckily, 2 nice older women and I split a cab.
-I got a Kidney Stone relatively early on.
-My Internet was shut down because they misfiled my net contract
-Secure downloads from Dreamspark (formerly MSDNaa) don’t work here OR at school for some reason (this is software I need for my project)
-Most recently, Sprint had an error in their systems and have sent a letter saying that my seasonal hold is being lifted because it was beyond the time specified (the dates they gave were…WAY off base). I am having…a difficult time calling them to correct this because I AM IN ****ING NORWAY! This means I will have to resume my payments of ~100 bucks a month for a service I CAN’T USE HERE! That’s the entire reason I got a seasonal hold to begin with!

Between all this crap, their inferior mechanism for paying rent for international students (make a mass withdrawal from an ATM and give them the money and the invoice of whom to pay it to), and my scholastic endeavors I actually came here for…AUGH. I figured once I get this residence permit stuff done and talk to people whom might know how to get me through to dreamspark or otherwise get me the software I requested then I’d finally have all the weights around my neck done with. NO SUCH LUCK FOR ME IT SEEMS, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING EXTRA THAT MAKES LIFE SUCK A LITTLE MORE HERE! It’s through no fault of “norway.” It’s just a series of stupid coincidences and mistakes (some of which were my fault) that has pushed me to this point.

However, to be practical, let’s see how much this has cost me.

Plane ticket mishap: ~700 USD (counting the hotel room, but not counting food)
Residence permit incident: ~450 USD (assuming that if I got it right, I would have only had to pay for the first one).
Kidney Stone: ~50 bucks (thank goodness for socialized medicine). Insurance should cover this, but because of being STUPIDLY BUSY, it may be past the alloted time to give them the bill.
Phone incident, assuming worst case scenario: ~400 USD.

Overall cost of mistakes, assuming worst case scenario: ~$1,600 (estimate is a bit high, but I am taking into account possible small random factors that add to it)

They say to err is human, and the sprint thing (and arguably, the kidney stone) isn’t my fault, and I had no way of knowing the verification thing would lead to this kind of fiasco. However, even if that was the case, over half of the mistake penalty costs ARE my fault (assuming 700 + 180 [if the verification thing would have worked before I left the US]). That’s a pretty costly set of mistakes that I am not sure I can continue to afford to adding to.

I know I promised to babble about my week (again, long week was long), and I might get to it eventually. However, this was my more immediate thoughts (I wouldn’t be using bloggery for its god given purpose if I didn’t bitch on the Internet at least once XD).

Back from classes

Now that I’ve experienced my classes, I figured I’d babble on those. Like with previous entries, this will be divided into 2 days.

01/09/2012 (yep, I am still putting dates in US order)

I woke up from various weird dreams and had to shake the cobwebs out. Thankfully, most of the ice on the roads had melted by then. I try not to grumble in envy about things back home, but I do miss how back in Omaha, it has been a record warm winter (the first snow here it was 61F there). Where the only snow we got COMPELTELY melted away in 2 days because of unseasonable warmth. Granted, it’s been a warm winter up here too (less warm, but Norway standards are probably different), but…AUGH, THE ICE!

Like I thought, IS-304 is a class about doing a huge group project for and approved by a real-life company. Most of the people knew each other (that seems to be the effect of being in the same department and on the same year, although in Omaha it’s less so because of the detached and solitary atmosphere), so the groups were already made. Me and one other international student introduced ourselves and said what our skills were as “free agents.” Since I have a strong programming background (although I’m not nearly as good at it as I’d like to be) and speak fluent English, I was quickly recruited by a group (apparently, English speaking programmers are in demand). I’m not sure if I’m allowed to speak of the details of our project (the company involved does seem to be strict about confidentiality), but it did say reports had to be submitted in English. Unfortunately, the language they seem to want is C# and possibly a dot-NET background. Well, I’ve been meaning to learn C# anyway (it was tied second on my list with ruby and Lisp, first place being Python).

Sidenote: For some reason, I can’t help but reflect that each member of my group also seems to share something different with me. One member is male (the only person physiologically male* besides me), one member started late in life like I did (she is a year older then me), and one who went to UNO (she studied abroad there, she took 1840, 2850 (aka Bob’s class) and one class I couldn’t identify).

For lunch I went to the student cafeteria. For price reasons I can’t make a habit out of this. However, they had this awesome thing that was like a cinnamon roll with vanilla cream in the center. Between that and their strong coffee, I think I found my ideal breakfast if I want to dine Norwegian. I know I can find those at grocery stores, so I might treat myself to one after I accomplish something significant on my group projects or something.

Speaking of food, I’m happy because after doing requisite shopping (the book store wouldn’t take US credit cards because they don’t have that “chip” that EU ones do, so I had to get money from the ATM), I now have enough food to pick and choose what I get to eat among them. I know this sounds minor, but prior to this, I only had chips (which lasted a little more then a day) and bread. When chips ran out, it was literally bread or nothing. Since grocery stores (at least ones nearby) aren’t open on Sundays (the day I am accustomed to shopping), I literally subsisted off of bread and water. I feel like a peasant. Oh well, at least the water is covered in my rent.

I spent the rest of the day teaching myself basic C#. I learned some things about it I never suspected. First of all, that it is a Microsoft initiated language (it would explain why it feels more like Java then classic C/C++, even though they are all in the same general family). Second, I had to find where the C# compiler was on my computer and do some system digging to set the path (also did that with the JDK while I was at it). I’ll be blunt, MSDN’s site on the various methods and keywords is not that helpful for me. Also, I don’t think the bookstore has any resources on it (I’ll look, rather not have to pay a “Norway Price” for such a thing). Between that and talking to GF, I got lost in my doings and couldn’t get my Laundry done (I was going to, but the Laundry room is closed at 10PM). Plus I’d probably have to get a bit of help doing it (the machines are almost certainly in Norwegian).

01/10/2012 (today, as of the time I type this)

Once again, I had nightmares. These are getting disturbingly common. If this keeps up all week, I may seek psychological assistance, but I should be fine. This class is an hour earlier. That means I walk in the dark and the roads are frozen over. As much as I like the wealth of info intellicast seems to give me, it was always below the predicted low temperature today, and you didn’t bother to change that (hence why the roads were frozen). It was actually not bad out (wind-chill was pretty bad though, plus it is stupidly humid here).

My second class is a lot like my Organizations, Applications, and Technology Systems class (OATS for short, back in my day it was CIST-3100, although I think it’s CIST-2100 now). However, this class is a LOT more hardcore. We go over things like Enterprise systems versus Silo systems and that kind of thing. The class has one major test and a group project. Because most (if not all) of the people graduating this year are taking IS-304 and IS-305 concurrently just as I am, I got the same group people. This makes things a lot easier (I assume most if not all people did the same thing).

One of the crazy things is that this class apparently has its final exam in March. Meaning the project will be done before then (as it being satisfactorily completed is a prerequisite to take the final exam). This is going to be a much shorter project then the other one (I’m hoping we can get effective credit for the same project by doing the more theoretical business side of things there). This is going to be a brutally hard core semester earlier on.

Looking in to my schedule for 304 and 305, by the time easter break is over, I have no more lectures. The “week no” part is the weeks class is in session (classes are longer, but not always every week). This week is week 2. Also, the 305 teacher said that by the time February comes around (I think), we won’t be having Tuesday class anymore. This means that after that after that point, I will only be having class on Wednesday and Thursday. Furthermore, after between weeks 4 and 7, I will only be having class on Wednesday. The exam for IS-305 doesn’t count as a “class”, but it’s really the last one I have to visit (it’s a written exam) until the oral test for IS-304. Meaning that as of April, I don’t have to attend any classrooms whatsoever. This is definitely different. We’ll see how this plays out.

Now I have some class reading to do (I’m going to concentrate on reading ahead on the IS-305 slides and making notes for them before anything else). I am supposed to meet up with the Erasmus students in the on-campus pub (which I am having trouble finding to be honest). I might do that, depending on how much I feel I got done. I need to keep one ear open on my group though. THEY are going to be my “buddies” in work for the coming semester, so as much fun as the Erasmus folks are, the group gets priority.

Well, I’m off to be scholastic (or worst case scenario, pretend to before I get distracted or tired XD)

*I identify as agendered, but I my body is male.

It has begun

I am officially in Norway, with all things settled and shelter secured and all that whatnot. There are numerous things I’ve been meaning to say, so this entry will be kind of a catch up “pre-norway thoughts that have been recorded” sort of deal.

Earlier this month, I moved out of UNO’s dorms for the very last time. This is bigger for me then one might think. For the entirety of my scholastic experience at UNO, I have lived in one of those on-campus housing units. They are basically overpriced 4 bedroom apartments with a good location but unnecessary restrictions based upon that location (for example, it’s a dry campus). I moved from my first place when I was forced out because of the renovations to that particular building. I was already planning on moving out anyway and getting a place closer to GF (because of her scholarship, she’s comped if she’s living at a specific dorm complex). Granted, shit has already been changing there, and not for the better. However, it was still an integral part of my experience all the same. Furthermore, this was a time I actually had room mates I generally liked (I got along with most of the others, but we weren’t close friends or anything). Something that’s unprecedented. I wish I could have rode it out another semester at the very least. Oh well, that’s how it played out.

The thing is, as much as shit is changing for the worse at the dorms, being there was an integral part of things being normal in my scholastic experience. When I am done with this Norway thing, I will return to possibly find GF having a new place for us both. If not I’ll swallow my pride and duck down with the folks until something can be found. Either way, this is NOT what my educational experience was. However, I do have a vehicle now, so unlike before, it is possible for me to pull this off. Even when I return home, even when I go back to UNO, the paradigm of normalcy that I’ve lived in for 7 semesters and 3 summers is gone…forever.

Also, I have some semi pre-recorded notes of my anxieties prior to going (I wrote this during the recent holiday season when everyone else was asleep)

——

When I talk to a lot of people, they seem to interpret my study abroad as something I’d be jumping for joy to begin. While part of me excited, to be honest, it is hardly the dominant part. I do want to see Norway, I really do. I have family of sorts there (a former foreign exchange student who lived with my cousin’s is from there, his family currently lives in Oslo). I also have geneological roots there somehow (not sure in precisely what way, but I know it’s there). I’m also interested in seeing a nation that seems largely considered to not be experiencing the economic problems or copyright paranoia that the US and EU seem to be undergoing. It promises to be an experience to be sure.

However, the pros are outweighed by the cons. These cons would probably outweigh it no matter what country I was going to (even if it was Japan, which my weaboo roots that were my teen years speak of as an unspoken requisite pilgrimage at least once). For one thing, going to another country won’t be a way to escape the crappy US economy. If anything, the ultra crappy exchange rates will only exacerbate the effect for me as my standard of living will be a lot lower then it would have been had I made this trip in 2000 or so. As one of the countries less touched by the effect (one with infamously high taxes for that matter), it’s really going to show just how bad the US dollar has been hit having to effectively subsist on what “it” brings me in another land. Also, planning this trip has made this effect worse, since I seem to have made several mistakes. Mistakes I wouldn’t have made if I wasn’t forced to concurrently plan for this trip in the height of a busy semester (they pretty much all are, now that I think about it). Because of the busy nature of the school year, I was forced to do a lot of critical steps late, and of course some of them are inevitably more complicated then I expected them to be. Because of the holiday, I can’t contact my contacts in Norway or the US regarding what to do about some situations or request certain information. I would have done it earlier, but as I said, I had a very busy semester and I had to prioritize completing it to the best of my ability.

Also, the classes are outside of my field of concentration. I know enough Database stuff to get by (although all my practical knowledge was the application of such on those old pack-in database software programs office packages used to come with prior to the days of Word and Excel), however I don’t know if that’s enough to qualify for the class I applied for (I do plan on doing some research to catch up if necessary). The other class is basically the capstone course. A group project with people I am guaranteed not to know to develop an application for a “real” company, something I am extra in the dark about since I don’t know what companies in Norway want in the slightest. Why did I take these courses? They were the only ones availabe for the IS&T program, and the limited amount of choices seemed to ensure the capstone one was required to get at least 24 ECTS (the minimum needed to be a full time student, I am taking 30 FWIW).

With all the ways I’ve screwed up, I’m deeply afraid of what might happen on my flight. I tried to book a flight that would allow for delays long enough to get through security and any other unexpected problems, but not take an excessive amount of time (3 hours in Newark, 3 hours in Coppenhagen). Because I am arriving there early, I have to somehow navigate myself to my hotel with all my luggage after an 18 hour flight on a bus system where I have no idea what goes where.

It’s all well and good that these give me anxiety, it’s understandable right? Some say it will be a blast once the semester starts. I’m not sure I am holding the same prediction. The orientation made it sound like this was largely for extroverts. While I am highly adaptable socially when need be, meeting new people “from scratch” is something I was never the greatest at. I predict that it will probably be relatively lonely (not unlike how UNO started for me). Given my tendency to sacrifice social desires/hobbies/etc (basically, those things that make my life worth living) to optimize my performance scholastically (which will be especially needed given I am being thrust into classes that are outside my specialization), I’ll probably just be in my dorm doing homework, missing everyone else. I’ve lived with this level of loneliness coming to UNO initially, the only thing that broke me out of it was a chance meeting with my friend patches that set in motion the first real friends I’d make on campus. I’m doing the same thing, but without access to my game consoles or being able to fall back on the familiarity of the setting. Plus this time, I am forced to leave dear people behind.

That leads me into the hardest decision I had to make. Initially, GF and I were planning on studying abroad together (in Germany). However, because of the economic situation with the debt celing last summer, the grant and acceptance was delayed and we had to bail based on it being an unknown quantity for our semester. The IS&T asst. Dean offered us a second chance with Norway. However, at the time GF was…at a certain point in her life where it would have been better for her not to go. As for me, I was at a very…dissonant point myself. I really wanted to do this, I still do despite everything I have said and am continuing to say. Thing is, this dissonant point was almost uniquely identified with that small window of time when we had to make the decision. I don’t wish to speak for her, but I am thinking that if I had asked her a month earlier, my guess is she would have wanted to go. Conversely, if you had asked me 2 weeks later after having time to think about it, I probably would have voted to stay if GF did (I predict she would have).

So, the question that is probably on the mind of whomever is reading this is “if it is such a source of anxiety, and if I’m not ultra-excited to see Norway, why the **** am I still doing it?” Well, there are two major reasons. The first being that this may be the last chance I will ever have to experience truly living in another country from the first person. My life is practically defined by either missed opportunities or sacrifices. I’m almost positive I’ll never get the chance to do something like this again. I need to take it. The second reason is that it looks awfully good on employee applications. People have a positive bias toward those whom have studied abroad successfully (particularly if it is field-relevant). This is my last opportunity to get in on that, and given my IMMENSE handicap I have for ever finding any form of employment, I need every advantage I can get. It isn’t about “yay pseudo-vacation in europe” or “yay, party time” or anything like that. It is simply another step I have to take to be a means toward experiencing two ends. It’s probably going to be constant hard work, and very lonely. If I was a believer in signs, I would interpret the myriad of costly mistakes I’ve made as either an omen of what’s to occur, or a test to pass to be rewarded with what comes next. I want it to be the latter, but I would default to the former. However, that’s ultimately irrelevant. I am prepared for whatever happens to me, I have to be!

—

…And I’m back

Wow, it’s been a while before I did this. There’s a lot I could say about a lot of things but I’ll keep the focus nice and tight here and give a quick series of pseudo bullet points of what has happened in my life recently.

06/25/2011
-Went to pride
–Pride, like any other concert, is best indulged with a group of people you know (i.e. more then just you and a single friend/lover, regardless of orientation) and a sufficient alcohol-to-blood ratio. Conditioned “concert ears” help too.
–There are a lot of shiny an rainbow themed things for sale (albeit, overpriced).
–Met someone (whom was much more smashed then I) who was a fellow gamer (got me a beer because I chugged faster then her too ^_^).
–While it was…rough at times, I am glad for the experience.

06/26/2011
-Began our trip to Rochester NY for my best friends wedding (my best friend is the Groom)
–The married-to-be picked us up, but they got there late because they were caught in a flash flood
–Saw the weirdest car in front of us (it was a delivery car with so many different logos and crap on it).
–Rode through a really rad lightning storm almost all the way there (it never rained on us, we just saw a lot of lighting in the night-time distance)
–Stopped at a random Super8 motel in Davenport IA, slept in our clothes for about 6 hours.

06/27/2011
-Continued our trip until we made it to Rochester NY (it was a 13 hour drive too…)
–Encountered 2 random traffic jams around the Chicago area (not surprising)
–GPS had a brainfart and we ended up passing the same cars again after looping back around.
–Around the Cleavland area, we saw the police pull over a Red-Cross truck, and a little later, we saw a post-apocalyptic building (it was so rad)
–Things are inherently more expensive in NY-state (seriously, the prices there are worse then the vending machines back at school, and schools are infamous for gouging).
–Modern toll booths work differently then I expected with the ticket system
–after finally getting to our hotel and getting the closest nearby equivalent to real food (Denny’s…yeah I know), each of us NEEDED a shower (I swear, that layer of dead skin could spawn new life in the sewers or something).

06/28/2011
-Went on a tour of the colony of small towns that are technically a part of Rochester (think Elkhorn as a part of Omaha).
–There is a town there called “Egypt”
–In the Canidagua(sp?) courthouse (while I was waiting for the couple to be to get their marriage license), I saw a same-sex couple apply for their license (which really made it sink in what had recently happened in the state of NY).
–Wegmans is a really rad store, and I went to the biggest and best one!
–The mall was like Village Point in Omaha ate a Mario super mushroom and became a mall.

06/29/2011
-Wedding rehearsal
–The pastor is the Groom’s cousin, and is really rad and funny (example: “[the bride's] family is protestant? So I should make fun of the pope during the wedding?”)
–I’m was the best man (mentioned now because I failed to say it earlier)
–Ate dinner at an upscale but really rad place with the wedding party that was already there (the groom’s side treated us)
–Went with the couple to be, GF (whom came with me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way), and the Groom’s sister to a small bar nearby and got slightly intoxicated (“the best man gets slightly intoxicated before the wedding, as is tradition”).

06/30/2011
-WEDDING!
–Was treated to brunch by the grooms side (the brides side was elsewhere) at Olive Garden.
–The wedding was absolutely awesome (since I was doing my best man thing, I couldn’t get any photos during the ceremony proper, but after it I got plenty).
–The reception after the wedding was…interesting. I did my best man thing and made a toast (which I was unprepared for, so I did what is medically known as pulling words out of my butt and hoping they worked)
–The first thing the groom and his groomsmen did after our duties were over was head over to where the booze was being handed out. One of the bride’s family members has his own microbrewery, and he brought his stuff to the wedding. It was really tasty (for beer) and strong.
–Suffice to say that between that, the complimentary wine, and campaign; it was a very…bacchanal celebration.

07/01/2011:
-The trip back home
–GF and I were HUNG THE HELL OVER.
–Taking a flight and getting airsickness while arriving at a major international airport (La Guardia) while hung over is a very bad combination
–I lost my ID briefly at La Guardia (I found it again), which caused a minor panic attack
–The waiting was bleh, the hangover sucked, but the flights were without incident
–The Missouri river is FLOODED! I could tell from the plane (even if my window was right above the wing)
–Upon getting back to Omaha, I stayed at my folks house (and definitely appreciated the food they had, which I REALLY needed)

07/02/2011
-My birthday
–I hung out with Kit and Johnny for the first time in over a year (not counting the sendoff party for Jane at Brothers)
–Did some brief old marketing and went to Old Chicago
–Also spent time with my folks, doing this and that there

While my birthday was definitely less eventful then my previous one, the weeks leading up to it were even moreso. I started 29 of eventful and wild and I ended it the same way. A nice kickoff for the end of my 20′s.

On the way we have relations relationships

It’s been a while since I wrote to this place. I’ve had a lot to say, but life has been a combination of one or more of the following things.
-I’ve been up to my eyebrows in scholastic obligations
-I’ve had a rather severe (and somewhat unexpected) bout with depression. I blame an illness and the odd weather we’ve had (it’s been spring-warm and then it snows in the same week. Welcome to Nebraska).
-I’ve had some…interesting social interactions which I don’t plan to expressly state the nature of
-I’ve been in to the game Masou Kishin: Lord of Elemental (the remake for the DS). I won’t go into the details of that here, since that’s what my other blog is for.

Anyway, during the course of my relationship with my awesome GF, I’ve noticed something. In several ways, she and I “defy pattern.” I don’t see anything wrong with that either (heck, I see that as a source of due pride). It’s just I’ve noticed several patterns people go through that she and I don’t.

1. The real-life pairing of archetypes.

A pairing that is surprisingly common is some derivative of a computer nerd and some derivative of a nerdy artist (who is somewhat tech-savvy, but not to the level of the computer nerd). I can think of 5 couples who fall under that pattern. Admittedly, these all follow another pattern in that it is a heterosexual relationship with the male as the computer nerd (and thus the female as the artist). I’m sure other non het relationships of this type have occurred, with no presumption of the gender of either one. My point is that this is a surprisingly common pattern among the nerd set. It fascinates me as to how this manages to work out. My hypothesis is that each one has some traits the other lacks (as analytical computing and artistic endeavors use considerably different parts of the brain AFAIK). These differences make for the ideal “compliment” to each-other.

2. The dating game

Modern “psychologically healthy” (something I am far from XD) courtship seems to be defined in an oddly rigid way. First you meet someone you are attracted to (or is attracted to you and you are giving him/her a chance). Then you try to lure them in to going on some sort of date. This usually is a specific social outing at a restaurant, movie, or other common outing. Oftentimes, the one playing the role of the “hunter” tries to show off their alpha status. To put it bluntly, the “hunter” gives the “hunted” bribes. While people claim the ultimate goal varies, commonly it is simply sex.

This is the “psychologically healthy” way to get laid. Whether it is “high” (fancy restaurant, etc) or “low” (clubs), it is a place where you find someone, give this person bribes, and have sex with them. Quite frankly, it is pretty much prostitution, only less “honest.” I hate it and am glad I never indulged in that world. This leads to…

3. “No sex, we’re married”

I can never ever fathom the idea of married couples not wanting to do it on the basis that their married. Sure I can see the job and the theoretical kids getting in the way, but having a complete libido burnout from committing to one person. Frankly, I find something seriously wrong with that. I know several people who are married (some for a while now) and some who are setting up to get married who will say how much they love the sex they get (and just to break the brain of the people mired in gender stereotypes, both the girls AND the guys say these things). I personally love sex. I know people love in several different ways, but I simply can’t fathom how people have this paradoxical “abstinence after extended marriage” thing going on. My guess is that the reason they got together was the ability TO have sex, and since the novelty and thrill is gone, they don’t have any desire to do it anymore. This is a terrible reason to get together, and it leads to my next point.

4. “I hate my wife.” (this is a paraphrased quote of GF’s co-worker)

To quote outstanding news reported George Putnam, “we come to a sad indictment of our society today…” by this idea. I can’t fathom being with someone I would hate, or being deluded into liking them prior to marriage. Unless you are like Sara Palin’s(sp?) daughter, who got married as a result of pre-marital pregnancy, I frankly can’t fathom this. I know that there are people who act in a certain way when they want to lure someone in. They completely change and show their true nature when they no longer have any fear of losing them. However, I don’t think that’s the case here (that has more to do with abusive relationships, and which is admittedly FAR WORSE then the idea I’m going for here). The idea that people can’t stand to be around someone they should theoretically love is somewhat baffling to me. Why the hell DID they marry them if they didn’t feel these things you would think they should? I love GF, and while she and I don’t believe in marriage in terms of the ritual (we might for tax reasons though, but that’s a long way off), she is the person I am FARTHEST AWAY from hating out of ANYONE. I love her, deeply and completely. I can’t stand the idea of NOT being around her (don’t misunderstand, I’m not some co-dependent person who will literally die if she isn’t in the same room, but I would prefer to spend as much time with her as possible).

Anyway, GF and I break every one of those patterns. Apart from the first one (which I am indifferent, yet amused that we defy), I am DEEPLY DEEPLY glad I don’t have to live that. There are other patterns she and I break, but I won’t go into that here.

Join us next time* when I talk about my opinions of monogamy versus polyamory.

*Not necessarily next entry

Hopefully, it won’t get any worse then this.

Since I can’t think of a creative way to weave this into an overarching and yet relevant narrative of sorts, I’ll get right down to it. I have been alternating between misanthropy and depression all week. I haven’t been hit this hard by these emotions since I was a teenager.

I hypothesize several factors that play in to my dark emotional states.

1. I moved in to my new dorm last week. It was a series of changes. Even dietary changes (despite myself), it was back to “barely eating even though that’s a bad thing to do” for me…
2. …which is kind of crazy, because since my new meal plan started (I paid 1,559 bucks for it, but it is already worth it), I’ve been able to eat awesome fulfilling meals without having to pay for it (apart from that initial pricey down-payment). I feel like a king. Anyway, that is another rapid dietary shift within a week of one going the opposite way. I am often relatively emotionless when my mind is in “little food” mode (not enough fuel for some neurotransmitters or something). Guess the sudden shift overshot things the other way.
3. School started as of last Monday (this is the first weekend of the semester). That kind of change (especially with my crazy schedule on Tuesday) tends to throw me off at first.
4. I suffer from seasonal affectedness disorder (depression, rage, etc), and August is a rather brutal month for me (not quite as bad as March, but it’s up there).

Anyway, depression and a generally anti-social mood was accumulating over the week. I (truthfully) introduced myself 3 times this week as “an anti-social hermit with a general disdain for humanity.” I probably scared a number of people, which may be a throwback to when this stuff was common for me. I felt a distinctive (and probably over-exaggerated in my own mind) “divide” from people. Not quite as bad as the last time the “pastor of rock” had a concert at UNO, but it was this distinctive “alone amongst others” feeling. Even among those I think of as acquaintances, or those I indirectly know through others; I felt this distinct…unwelcome vibe. It was like the collective consciousness of humanity (minus some key exceptions) was telling me to “shut up and go somewhere where we don’t have to see you.” Again, my mind probably blew that out of proportion (it’s doubtful that kind of thing was their wish at all). Granted, the mind does tricks like that when one is severely depressed, but that’s how it felt at the time.

This depression, anti-social misanthropy, and general rage hit its peak earlier today (technically yesterday). I hated life at a level I thought I would never feel again. Thoughts that only well their way up in the very darkest of times were surfaced. I broke down, it was spiraling out of control and I simply wanted off. Honestly, if Anna weren’t with me, I don’t know what would have happened. While I probably would have gotten through this (I always do), I don’t know how much longer it would have taken, or what permanent affects it may have had on me.

Hopefully, this depression is either done or fading (after…that low point I have recovered and am finally feeling like my whole self again (as opposed to only the part of myself that manifests upon those dark moods)). Hopefully, my body will adjust to the new state of things (both dietary and schedule wise), and I will “get in the flow” of my new way of life. Hopefully, the fall weather will come moderately soon, which will blow away the blahs and replace it with clarity and temperance. While hope isn’t in my general nature, even I have a bit of it around when it is reasonable.

-Demios

(you can probably tell I’ve been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender a lot recently, given how much I said “hope” on that last paragraph)